This One TIme The Pants Came Off

2 is moving into the toddler stage with a sort of swagger that comes off like, “Baby, I was born for this toddler business. Step aside and watch how us professionals do this.” I don’t know whether to be impressed or terribly frightened…sometimes both.

Yesterday, though, 2 exemplified toddler-hood with outstanding flair.

My dear son is great at grocery shopping with me. I feel like we could tag team the Price is Right and win the supermarket challenge. As we got to the checkout line, I put him in the shopping cart. I needed to pay for the groceries without worrying about him disappearing to go get us more fruit snacks. Things were fairly typical at that point. Another shopping trip done, we headed towards the front of the store and towards the car.

As we neared the front doors, 2 yells, “Mom!”

To which I distractedly reply, “yes?!” (I was focused on pushing the cart full of stuff rather than the kid in the cart)

To which he in turn replies, “Pants off!”

Thinking how cute, it’s hot outside and he’s telling me what he wants, I start telling him that we are outside and he needs to wear pants. Then I look down and realize, he is naked from the waist down. No pants, no diaper, no shoes.

He wasn’t asking to take pants off. No, with all the toddler swagger he could muster, he was telling me his pants were already off.

A responsible parent would probably stop the cart right then and put 2′s pants back on. I…did not. I doubled over in laughter (in addition to 2′s antics, people entering the store were giving us the most hilarious stare downs), and continued to push the cart to the car before putting pants back on the boy.

2 swears that his pants “fell off” and that he did not take them off. Unfortunately, since the diaper and the shoes were missing, too….I’m not sure I buy his alibi. Welcome to life with a toddler.

This One Time I Gave the Middle Finger to Mother’s Intuition

Today, I had to take 2 to the eye doctor for a follow-up appointment. 2 has been wearing glasses for the last month in an attempt to correct esotropia in both eyes.

At the first appointment, the doctor laid out the plan of attack: try glasses at certain prescription level for a month to see if it corrects the problem; change prescription if not correcting problem; do this for several months to see if problem can be fixed; if problem cannot be fixed, may need surgery.

At today’s appointment, the doctor looked at 2′s eyes for 15 minutes and stated, “well, glasses aren’t working, it’s my opinion that we need to schedule surgery.”

Um…wait. What happened to try, try again and then MAYBE surgery? I left the appointment, went to my office and cried for a solid 30 minutes. 2 had just gone through surgery in December due to a staph infection and here we are contemplating surgery again?

So, I called 2′s pediatric optometrist. She had worked with us to fit 2 for his glasses and had given us good advice in the past. She suggested getting a second opinion with the disclaimer that I should, “trust my mother’s intuition.”

This is not the first time I have been told to trust my “mother’s intuition.” I have been told this by pediatricians, nurses, and other moms. Every time I’ve been told this, I go through the same experience: my stomach drops, I feel dizzy, and I look around for my magical mom crystal ball.

Today, I propose that being told to “trust my mother’s intuition” is a really cruel piece of advice. I may be a mom, but don’t downgrade my decisions with my child to merely “intuition.” I don’t just ho hum about situations for a bit and then shrug and say, “my intuition says go to the hospital!” (mostly because that would be one damn expensive intuition.) I’m not a magic 8 ball. I’m not an arcade genie. I take my son’s health seriously and I research and review my experiences with him before making serious calls affecting his life.

For instance, I decided to get a second opinion on my son’s eyes (appointment already set). I’ve monitored my kid’s fever and concluded that he needed to go to the hospital at 11 pm at night. And, I’ve taken him back to the doctor because his limp wasn’t going away. I made those choices as an informed care taker, or what I like to call myself: A PARENT. I googled the shit out of his symptoms. I called nurses. I looked at books. I consulted with my husband, my mom, my friends in medical positions. And then, I made a decision.

I’ve also been mistaken. I’ve called the fire department when 2 bumped his head and passed out. They came, examined him, gave him the okay and assured me that he would bump his head many many more times…Then they reviewed symptoms that actually justify calling the fire department (they were extremely nice and gave 2 a sticker. Probably why he is obsessed with fire trucks right now).

Mother’s Intuition is cruel because it suggests that a woman fails as a parent if she makes a bad judgment call. Somehow, the innate bond we share with our children that connects our magical spirit energy never formed if you as a mother make a bad choice.

It also puts a TON of pressure on moms to make the right call EVERY time. Which, unfortunately, we won’t do. And trust me, we are our own worst critic when we get it wrong. We don’t need others telling us how stupid we are for leaving the house without diapers “just this once” or waiting too long on an ear infection or letting our kids play with a slightly pointy object that concludes in a trip to the emergency room. We don’t need to be told, you should have trusted your intuition.

Parents do their best (hopefully) to take care of their kids. It’s a whole new ballpark for all of us with each kid we bring into our lives and none of us have a Harry Potter wand up our sleeve allowing us to fix everything the right way the first time. So no more “intuition”-based judgments. No more “here’s all the information I can give you, but trust your gut” advice. Instead, just find me a damn Harry Potter wand.

This One Time I Loved My Two Year Old

Sometimes, being a mom is the coolest thing I have ever had the opportunity to do. There are a TON of hard parts. But, today is one of those days I am so glad I ended up in the mom role. While Mother’s Day is coming up and we celebrate moms on that day, I want to take a minute and celebrate why I love being mom.

1) 2 has learned the word “no” and says it to EVERYTHING. It makes me laugh so much. He says it three times in a row, not just once, and usually doesn’t mean it.

2) He loves animals. He loves Mickey Mouse. He loves ice cream. He loves sidewalk chalk. He loves many many things at this point in his life. And, when he is around stuff that he loves, he literally shakes with happiness. It’s like he is hulk shape-shifting minus ripping clothes, sometimes turning green.

3) Last night at a work family night for Ace, 2 fished the “fish pond” (they gave him a stick with a string and threw it over a curtain to give him a prize) and got yellow plastic sunglasses. They were like Bono glasses. 2 fell in love with them and would not take them off the rest of the night. He was a toddler rock star and it was adorable.

4) The 2 year old hugs me in the morning when he first gets out of bed and won’t let go. I become putty every time he does this. It is like throwing a hundred million puppies, rainbows, Christmases, and gummi bears at my soul all at once.

5) My little man sings! He will sing to his favorite songs and uses hand motions and dances and says the words to the songs completely incoherently, but he sings.

6) Whenever I ask him in the morning what he dreamed of during the night, he tells me that he dreamed of cows. I would love to verify the accuracy of this statement.

7) 2 reminds me of the importance of slowing down and breathing regularly. Currently, we are selling our house. I’m stressed and I just want to get everything done now, but all my toddler wants to do is a puzzle. Or swing at the park. Or share a popsicle. And I take a break from stressing so that he can shake with excitement and giggle so hard he falls over.

Being mom is a tough job. The hardest I’ve ever taken on. But, at the end of the day, when the kiddo has fallen asleep next to me on his new big boy bed and I watch him peacefully dreaming, I always know it’s worth it.

This One Time I Decided To Control My Toddler’s Future

I was watching The Voice last night (yes, you can judge me), and I saw a mother/daughter combo in “the battle stage” singing against a solo male artist person. The mother/daughter duo lost.

I couldn’t help thinking how disappointed the mom, let’s call her Starla, must have been. I mean, Starla must have spent years priming herself for an opportunity to fulfill a singing career. And then, her chance came–she had a daughter who could sing way better than her. This mom realized she could use her daughter as a way to make it into the big leagues. Other moms waste their time developing a kid’s talent for the kid’s sake. Can you imagine the opportunities that are lost to moms when we don’t think about how to use our kids to benefit us?!

So, I’m dedicating this post to Starla. She set an example of moms taking opportunities by using their children as resources. She has inspired me to brainstorm ways in which I can use 2 for glory and power–and, I will be more successful than Starla because I can learn from her mistakes.

1) Upon suggestion from a dear friend, I can push 2 to be a Pulitzer Prize winner. Now that 2 has hit the age where he is more conscious of his surroundings, I can give him fodder to feed his creative spirit. Like, surrounding him with musical instruments and no other toys. Or requiring him to write short essays before he can eat. Or instead of teaching him A,B,C’s I can teach him the names of classical literary works to the same tune.

2) I can start the Hunger Games and fix the outcomes so 2 wins. Then I can live in a fancy house. And, while he might have to deal with the emotional drama of killing other children, I can sit back and enjoy the finer things in life.

3) I can buy a hotel with 2 in the middle of nowhere. Then, we can steal money from people staying at the hotel and/or kill them if they get suspicious.  I hear that worked for the Bates family.

4) I will make him become a doctor/lawyer/dentist by laying the guilt on over how much I have given him as a mother. Then, once he becomes successful at one of these occupations (because why would I want him to choose any other occupation in life?), I will guilt him into buying me lots of nice things because I helped him get through school.

5) And, if these other things fail, I can always start a singing duo with 2 and go on The Voice. Obviously we will be more successful than Starla because it’s a mother/son duo which is always way cuter than a mother/daughter duo. Then, once we win, I can take a solo contract and start a Vegas show more popular than Celine Dion’s.

And that, my friends, is how 2 is going to give me the good life. Thanks to Starla for the encouraging example!

This One Time I Talked About Reality TV Breastfeeding and Lady Cycles

I’m angry today. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about being pregnant for a second time. It seems that I’m much more reflective this time around and I believe it’s because I saw how much everything changed in my life with the first pregnancy. It seems that while I’m excited for this new baby boy to join us in September, I’m weighed down by the fact that moms can’t have it all. Oh it’s such a sweet lie to tell ourselves. We can have a career! We can be an all-present, perfect mom! We can keep the house clean and have dinner ready every night at 6 pm! We can still find time to hang out with friends! We can go on dates with our partners whenever we want to!

Lies. You have to choose. You may have parts of “the dream” at different times during parenthood, but never all at once. There are always exceptions to the rules, but from where I sit, our culture strongly suggests that moms should stay at home and raise children and IF a career fits into that, it should be a secondary role.

Please know, I am NOT saying that moms who stay at home are trapped and choose that role because they had to. I am saying there is stigma attached to whatever decision a mom chooses to make–and it isn’t fair.

Then, on my lunch break at work today, I stumbled across this article (granted, it’s almost a year old so I’m definitely behind the times) advertising that the controversial TIME magazine cover showing a breastfeeding mom has given reality tv idiots the great idea to start a show about different parenting tactics.

The article states, “Though the show’s called Extreme Parenting, the emphasis is on Moms because, Collins says, “It is mothers who are leading the way [in extreme parenting].”"

But wait, what about the dads? Aren’t they an important part of the parenting dynamic? The article goes on to state, “With most of the families Collins’s team has filmed, the Dads are onboard with the unorthodox parenting styles (or at least say they are).”

So let me get this straight. A television producer saw a magazine cover that polarized moms by adding more fodder to the mommy wars and decided it was the perfect premise for a new reality show? And he decides to focus on the moms because, really, dads are backseat drivers when it comes to parenting?

There. Is. So. Much. Wrong. With. THIS.

Let’s transition for a minute to something else weighing on my mind. Recently, a new push has begun for women’s rights in the LDS church. And for some reason, this has really freaked out men in the LDS religion. Like this guy and this guy. I particularly found it amusing that the guy in the first letter calls a girl’s period her time of “menarche.” Both of these men feel that women should be in charge of the child-rearing and should leave the leadership to the men. Partially because women are better made to be mothers and partially because if women take the leadership positions then men have nothing (solid argument fo sho, brother).

I’m not bringing this up to get into a LDS Priesthood discussion. I bring this up because as much as I want to say there has been progress for women, I cannot say there has been significant progress for moms. Moms are being touted by the entertainment industry as extreme weirdos (I’m including you in this, TIME magazine). People are mocking and jeering the idea of legislation providing more affordable preschools–which would enable moms to give a leg up to their kids for their education. LDS leaders (and members) in my state protest moms participating in anything outside the home because “that’s the way it should be.”

And women aren’t helping moms either. You’d think that since we all have vaginas that we would have some sort of solidarity. But, the other day, a female coworker came in my office and asked when I was leaving on maternity leave so that she could TAKE MY JOB. She wasn’t even slightly joking. A woman can’t even go on maternity leave without worrying that the career she has put sweat, blood, and tears into establishing will disappear? All because she decided to have a child AND isn’t a man.

I wish I had a feel good conclusion to this. But I don’t. It is a problem and it is messy. But maybe we can start standing together. Maybe we can see that moms are capable of all sorts of roles and rally to support amazing women who can do more if only we stand with each other instead of trying to bulldoze each other for the #1 Mom/Woman trophy. And maybe I need to stop reading articles about reality tv on my lunch break.

This One Time I Only Had Enough Time for Another List

Work is killing me slowly. So here are some things on my brain:

1) Yay! I didn’t have a catheter this week! And no uterus fisting! Lady parts victory.

2) We found out that we are having another boy. I am completely outnumbered in my household. I have told Ace that as a result, they will have to pamper me and always allow me to do fun girl things whenever I want. He agreed. Wife and Mom victory.

3) 2 got his cast off last Thursday. The buzz saw scared him, and I’m fairly certain I wet myself from fright, too. Oh yeah, side note, 2 has had a cast on for the last month because he attracts breaks and blood and bruising and daredeviled out of his crib. Cast victory.

4) 2 got glasses last week. He has to wear them now all the time or else he will need eye surgery due to lazy muscles in his left eye. The pediatric ophthalmologist said, “if this fails, it is because you as a parent didn’t succeed.” Ophthalmologist spell check victory. Parent damning threat victory (I am scared the ophthalmologist will cut me if I don’t keep those glasses on him).

5) 2 turns 2 today. I bought him a bed. Because I don’t want him to fracture any more bones with crib stunts. Now he can just break bones with bed stunts. Possibly parent win?

6) My work participated in a state-wide emergency earthquake drill today called “The Great Shake Out.” I did not want to have to stand outside for an hour in 30 degree weather, so I made this:

It was effective. I was left alone in my warm office.

Happy April 17th, everyone!

This One Time I Wrote

I feel like this is a good day for a list. I have not had the time to post anything and I’m just done with being busy. So…here are some tangents.

1) A coworker that I trusted recently screwed up big. I’m very mad about what he/she did.

2) My son turns 2 next week. His favorite thing to do is make fish lips and shake his head “no” while saying “uh uh!”

3) To celebrate his 2 year old-ness, he decided that today would be a good day to unbuckle his 5-point safety harness car seat while we were driving on the freeway and open his window to try to climb out of it. Oh joy.

4) I had to wear a catheter this weekend. Because my uterus closed off my bladder. The catheter had to stay in until my OBGYN could shove her entire fist inside me and reposition my uterus. Some days pregnancy is so fun.

5) I’m attempting to plan a pirate themed birthday party for 2 year old. So far, I have committed to making shark jello. Happy Birthday!

6) I love sandals. My husband hates feet. My sandals are wasted on him. I need a sandal admirer. Taking applications now.

7) General Conference was this weekend (a Mormon thing) and I got very upset at some of the things that were said. I’m still processing it.

8) I need to travel more. I think I need to do some road tripping with my boys (and anyone who would like to come!) sooner than later.

9) It scares the crap out of me to think of bringing another baby into this world. Who the hell let me get pregnant again?!

10) I am really excited to be bringing another baby into the world. I hope to enjoy the newborn phase in a way that I didn’t get to with 2.*

I think that’s it for now. Hope everyone is enjoying April!

*I’m going to start referring to Baby as 2. First, it’ll confuse everyone. Second, I’m having a baby so I can’t call a toddler a baby. Please educate yourself on this title switch so you do not get confused.

This One Time I was Told To Be a Better Mom

You know what drives me crazy about moms who have kids older than your kids? Some of them, especially when they are related to you, want to always tell you how you are screwing up.

Last weekend, we announced to Ace’s family that we were pregnant with Baby Number 2 (as you may have guessed from my previous post on puking). My Sister-in-law’s response was, “you really need to start socializing Baby so that he treats the new baby well and has some friends to help him cope when you don’t give him any attention anymore.”

At the time, I just smiled and nodded. Sort of like the time at Christmas when my other sister-in-law told me I obviously wasn’t trying hard enough to find mom’s to become BFF’s with so that my son could have friends (“even if you don’t want mom friends, don’t you want to try for him?”).

Enough. I am tired of it. I am trying. I can’t help it if every damn mommy and me group is held on a day I work.

So quit working. Or start your own mommy group. Or knock on doors. Put a want ad in the paper. At this point, especially when I’m all pregnant hormonal, my guilt for working really starts to mess with my head. And why the hell is this all on me?! Where are all the daddy and me groups? What? There aren’t any? Gee…I wonder why. Maybe because dad isn’t expected to socialize and normalize the kiddos.

Well guess what? People are going to judge. And they can go right ahead. Yesterday, Baby and I went on a trip to the moon. I helped him make tinfoil space pants. We ate space noodles. We jumped on moon rocks (couch pillows with blankets over them). And he had a great time. When Ace got home, Baby made him go to the moon with us because he had so much fun. And you know what? Ace strapped Baby into his high chair and flew him around the kitchen like he was in a rocket ship. It was a great family moment and I believe, much better than some shitty stranger experience where Baby and a 2 year old he doesn’t know are forced to play together.

I may only be a mom of one 2 year old, but I’m handling being a mom of MY 2 year old just fine, thank you. And I’m sure, all you other moms parents–working, SAHMS, whatever–are doing your best, too. So please do not let other people tell you that you are going to ruin your kids’ futures because you don’t have enough mom friends, or because your 2 year old or 3 year old or whatever isn’t “socialized” well enough. 

Instead, go to the moon. The space noodles there are delish.

This One Time I Puked. A Lot.

Oh gods of morning sickness. Please, in the most healthy and non-threatening way to my unborn child, please stop my morning sickness. As soon as the clock strikes 3 pm each day, I am vomiting. I would like to stop now. It’s week 12. Shouldn’t 3 months of barf be enough of a sacrifice to you? Maybe? K…well…it’s not 3 pm yet… I’m going to hope you hear this plea. I’d plead more but I’ve got to go find a puke bag. The sick is starting early today.

This One Time As I Lay Dying

I read this post today by Renegade Mothering and I must admit that she has a way with words more articulate than I could ever hope to be in expressing events and moments all mothers go through (she has what one might call a potty mouth, which I enjoy, but consider yourself warned if you do not).

Anyway, the post I refer to is one about the transition from woman without children to woman with children. She compares the transition to dying. That in order to become a mother, the young unattached woman in us must die. I find it interesting that she presents it that way because on surface it sounds so morbid.

But, as a woman who now has a child, I find myself understanding her perspective completely and it isn’t so much morbid as bittersweet. A baby changes a woman in a fundamental way. Even if you resist the change, it happens. You form a bond with that little person that no one can touch. Not necessarily right away. It can take months of getting over sleep deprivation and establishing new routines and researching “my child has pooped 3 times today, is that ok?” before you realize, I’m not who I used to be and I’ll never be able to go back to being that person either.

Sometimes, I try to be that girl again–I’ll schedule a girls day with friends, or go to a late movie, spend a date night away from the house. But here’s the thing: you never get away from being mom. It’s like someone switched a flip in your brain and you will always worry about the baby in your life. So even when I try to pretend to be “old” me, I’m not. I check my phone every 10 minutes to make sure no one has called with an emergency. I worry that I’m gone too long. I imagine the terrible accidents that are sure to happen when I’m not there. And, honestly, I miss my baby’s face.

I have never loved another human being in the way I love my baby. Let me emphasis, “in the way” because it doesn’t mean I don’t love others as much. It means I love him differently. I love him in a way that gives me the confidence to take on roles I’ve never had to play before–protector, bath-giver, teacher, time-out enforcer, health consultant, bed-time book reader, etc.

My mom used to tell me that no one can explain how being a mom feels. No one can describe how it changes you. I always thought she was exaggerating. Turns out, she wasn’t. No one can really describe in words how mommy-hood can feel terribly lonely or scary or, in Renegade Mothering’s words, like you died. However, no one can describe how such a life-altering event can fulfill you completely, open your heart, and add a level of excitement to your life that you will cherish.

As I look back to wave goodbye to the woman I used to be, though, I also look forward and see the shape of the next version of me beginning to form. I realize that I will change again and look back at the present me with new eyes and new wisdom. Life wasn’t meant to stay static, and until my next death, I plan to live this moment to the fullest. Starting with a Valentine’s Day visit to the dinosaur museum with my baby.